Solitude in Sobriety.

I’m not really sure when I first started with alcohol but I know I was introduced to it pretty early. I remember my mom and my step dad drinking a lot when I was younger. I still remember tasting Red Stripe for the 1st time and I hated it. It was disgusting to me. At 6 years old, beer was basically vegetables to me and I swore it off forever. I still do unless I’m DRUNK drunk and just need something to keep that buzz going.

The first time I willingly drank alcohol was high school and at that point I should’ve known it wasn’t for me. I drank some cheap liquor that I don’t even remember and was running across the beach saying I’m drunk smh. It wasn’t for me at all but I didn’t get in trouble, (I’m guessing because nobody reported us), and I kept it moving. I’m going to college. Going to play college football, what could go wrong?

I think a lot of people downplay the effect peer pressure has on a person. Yea you can say ‘no’ to one person and maybe a few friends, but beyond that… it gets very difficult. Being young in a new environment, it was hard for me to separate people who were truly my friends between people who just called me their friend to use me for entertainment. Unfortunately, I fell into the latter. I was the butt of jokes. Shit hurt a lot. It still hurts to this day.

I think what bothers me the most at this point is what I’ve lost and trying to figure out where those things lay at this point. Were those people ever really for me? Did I push them away or was I just amusement? When they said those things out of anger, was it deep seeded or just a point in time that they were hurt by me? Can I just cut them off forreal?

My mental illness (bipolar disorder) combined with my addictions and my faith (Islamic) has me at a point where I don’t really desire to be with anyone friendship or relationship wise. I am embarrassed by my past actions. I’ve hurt a lot of people. I’ve lost a lot of friends, fucked up a lot of relationships, and messed up a lot of family relationships. I’m not sure if things will ever be the same again. Am I ok with that? In a weird way I am. I like this solitude in terms of relationships. The less people I need to talk to, the happier I am. I just want my core around me. The people that make me feel ok when I’m not 100% or even if I fall off that sober horse. Shit be hard man. I don’t want to give up on myself, but I feel like those closest to me already have.

Mathieu.