525,600 Minutes.

That’s how you measure a year. How did everything that has transpired occur in just 525,600 minutes? Somehow it simultaneously feels like he died a month ago and he’s been gone for a decade. I don’t have much to say today, but I can’t let the anniversary of my husband’s death go unnoted.

I have been blessed with two beautiful children, both inside and out. They have been so amazing throughout all of our transitions and inspire me to be better each day than I was the day before. They are constantly helping out around the house and making me laugh and smile so big my face hurts. We talk openly about when we miss Daddio and Kai often asks me to remind him exactly how a heart attack kills someone. I walk him through the facts as I know them, “our hearts have chambers that push blood through our bodies to keep it going, there are also arteries and they’re like paths for the blood to flow through. Daddy had major blockage in these paths which made the blood unable to fuel his body. Does that make sense? Do you understand?” I’ll ask him. Sometimes I have to repeat it a couple of times before he lets me off the hook, but he always ends the conversation with saying he understands. That’s funny though because I myself don’t really understand how or why it happened to Jody.

I know I’ve mentioned before how so many people have been telling me how strong I am, I want to reiterate once again that I am not. I can’t even count how many times I’ve lost it over the past year, my teeth have shifted from clenching my jaw so much, my body aches often from tension, there are more days in the month where my head is pounding than not, I still have trouble getting air to fill my lungs at times, and I am no longer surprised when I randomly start feeling emotional. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will be mourning this loss forever. Sure the physical pains will likely subside with time (at least that’s what I keep telling myself), as I get my footing as a single mother the emotional pain will likely ease as well, and hopefully soon I’ll finally be finished dealing with legal and administrative issues which will lessen the headaches. However, after some discussion with other widows/widowers I’ve learned that the grief over losing my partner in life won’t ever just go away; it will subside and the attacks will grow further apart (like waves in the ocean as my wise aunt put it), but completely disappear? No. That is OK though because the grief is a reflection of the love we shared, and our love was big, so it only makes sense the grief would be too.

So, how do I do it? How do I get through the days with an actual (not fake) smile on my face? How can I be so grateful and happy with the current status of my incredibly chaotic life? How do I rejoice and have so much fun with my kids even in the midst of my pain? I’ll tell you. When I feel like I’m going to break, I pray. I pray with all I have left inside of me.

The bible tells me to lean not on my own understanding, but acknowledge the Lord in all ways and He’ll make it all work out (paraphrasing). Essentially saying, there are things we may never be able to understand, but God knows what He is doing so just trust in His master plan. Does this magically make everything better and erase anxieties? No, but I choose to trust in Him and rely on the strength of my God rather than the strength we can muster as humans. I trust that God is faithful in His promises and He has promised me HOPE and a future. I’m sure it sounds silly to those of you who don’t share the same belief, but I’m telling you it is 100% God that is keeping me not just standing and enduring, but living and enjoying life!

It is also a huge game changer living next to my parents who help in every way, at all times, no questions asked, no debts recorded. The past year would have been drastically different if I didn’t have them by my side; and being within driving distance from my best friends is more than awesome.

To wrap it up I’d like to encourage each of you to remember to be kind and to remember to tell your friends and family that you love them. If that’s not something you do on a daily basis, it’s not too late to start!

'Till next time.

-Steph

Founder's Note: Follow Stephanie's journey on her personal blog: https://stephlippy.wordpress.com/