Motherhood: A Level of Love and Patience I Never Knew I Had.

"I've been thinking about where I wanted to start for a long time. I thought "just start from the beginning", but that's a long ass story to tell. And truthfully, I'm already over it. I'm already over the things that traumatized me in my childhood and early parts of my adult life. I was raped, molested, bullied, starved by adults/family friends who were supposed to take care of me, went through the shittiest heartbreaks, was a victim of domestic violence, been abandoned by family at my lowest, and experienced my soul mate being murdered. By some miracle, the grace of God, I've been able to heal from those traumas and not let them define the person that I am today. Those past traumas are my testimony to others I meet along the way to dig deep, heal, and grow.

Today it finally hit me. My current struggle and next journey in life is the journey of motherhood. You hear the saying a lot that "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers", but sometimes I feel like I'm not built for this. Everyday it's a struggle to keep my emotions intact and not lash out at innocent bystanders or the people who love me. Up until I had my son in 2019 I never wanted to have kids. I was over the moon ecstatic at the news that having kids naturally would be difficult and I would need fertility treatment if I wanted kids. I didn't care about the other half of the diagnosis that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It's not that I didn't love these little tiny humans. It's just that my fear of raising them right, protecting them, and living long enough to send them off into the world as the great man/woman I would raise them to be was so overwhelming that I decided it would be better if I just avoided it all together.

Fast forward from my PCOS diagnosis in 2010 to my pregnancy in 2019. I was pregnant and I didn't even know it. A long time childhood friend of mine had recently passed away and I was in such an unexplainable state of grief that I had a miscarriage. I didn't even realize what was happening until I used the bathroom on the plane on my way back home, that's when I knew. I didn't know what to think or how to feel, but I just carried on about my life like it was just another thing that happened. 2 months later I found out that I was pregnant again.

November 20th 2019, exactly one week before my birthday, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. He unlocked a hidden part of my heart I never knew existed, and opened up a boundless sea of love. The next 11 months I felt like as much as I didn't know about this motherhood thing I would be okay and I could figure it out. We were coming up on the 1 year mark... and remember those battles I spoke about earlier? Well God had one for me. I started to notice some delays that concerned me a bit, but everyone around me kept saying "oh there's nothing wrong with him. He'll be alright". As the months went by he wouldn't walk, he wouldn't respond to his name, he wouldn't make any attempt to talk, and some things just seemed extremely triggering to him. There was talk of Autism from his pediatrician, but I had friends and family in my ear saying "oh it's too early", "wait until he's 5". The mother in me wanted to be sure before it was too late, so going against everyone else's advice, I started the process to have my son tested and evaluated. May 26th 2022 we get the diagnosis... Autism Spectrum Disorder. His dad was in complete disbelief and for a long time struggled to come to terms with our new reality. Being the person I am, I automatically went into "fix it" mode and jumped straight to the next steps, but deep down inside I just wanted to know "Lord, why me?", and started looking for everyone and everything to blame. I never wanted to be "stuck" caring for my child into adulthood because they did not have the capacity to care for themselves. Growing up in Antigua I never saw resources for special needs children. They were always treated like outcasts and like they were punishment/hex for some unforgivable sin. Watching other parents struggle with special needs kids seemed so tiring and burdensome. I felt so guilty for feeling that way and was so scared to say it out loud. I felt like saying it would mean that I didn't love my son enough, and not loving my son enough would make me the worst mother in the world.

I know what it felt like to not feel loved enough by my parents. My dad abandoned my mom and I. My mom didn't love me in the way I needed to be loved because she didn't know how to. She never received it so she didn't know how to give it. Becoming a mother opened up old wounds I didn't know were there. When it came to parents I had a "such is life" mentality, but lowkey I was jealous of the people I saw with the "perfect parents". I had to also watch my fiancée/my son's dad struggle with accepting the diagnosis and figure out how to express his struggles in a healthy way. It put such a strain on our relationship that sometimes I tried to prepare myself mentally for the idea of having to do it alone.

One day mid conversation, about a somewhat related topic, I finally let it out. I finally said that I never wanted to be stuck caring for my child for the rest of my life, unable to live my best life and I feel absolutely guilty for feeling that way! Little did I know it was something his dad needed to hear so that he could open up about his true feelings and fears and begin our healing process. It opened up a door to a conversation we both avoided for fear of judgment. Ultimately we were wrong because it turned out to be a conversation that led to him showing up everyday and being more present in our journey to giving our son all of the resources he needs. It strengthened our relationship as a couple and as parents.

Fast forward to today... Jordan has made amazing progress with all of the delays we saw in the beginning. Thanks to his amazing pediatrician Dr. Ashwini Jasutkar. The compassion she's shown us with every concern we've ever brought to her attention is immaculate. We could not have started our journey in the right direction without her. His school UCP (Unlocking Children's Potential), thanks for not turning your back on my son (can you believe he got kicked out of 2 schools before he even turned 2) and giving him all the tools he needed to be successful in life. Because of UCP we're able to send him to a school with kids just like him AND regular kids where he is taught genuine love and acceptance no matter the race, religion, or disability. He is able to receive ABA therapy, Speech Therapy, and Occupational Therapy all while in school which has been a tremendous help in the progress he's made so far. Jordan is teaching us all a different level of love and patience we never knew we had in us, and for that I am forever grateful for this battle, this journey.

P.S. Find someone you can talk to wholeheartedly and unrestrained, because sometimes the things we hold in and battle internally need to come out so that we can begin to heal. You owe that healing to yourself first and foremost, and the world could benefit from the healed version of you. I am truly grateful that despite our flaws I've found a partner that is able to help me heal and let me heal them in return."

- Jasmine