Endurance Sports is My Drug.

3 weeks ago I drowned, and since then I don't know how to feel.

Do you know what it feels like to pull yourself up from a bad place? Late last year, I decided to begin training for the ironman. It's a race that consists of swimming, running, and cycling. I have been running for years and have completed multiple marathon distances, so I didn't feel worried about running. I know how to ride a bike, but understand that the combination plus endurance is going to challenge me mentally and physically.

Now here's the part that may have brought you to this post: I'm afraid of swimming. Technically I know how to, but I'm not great at it. I got a membership to The Y and began swimming weekly. In addition, I began to learn to freestyle which requires a breathing technique that honestly freaks me out.

Long story short, one morning, I force myself up with a David Goggins style mentality to go to the pool at 6:00 a.m., and just get my workout done. I recorded myself swimming a few laps, but caught a cramp in my lower back. It scared me and I turned under water becoming unaware of where I was. I hit my head on the bottom or side of the pool, not sure, and unintentionally took in water.

A guard had to pull me out of the pool. I have never felt so frightened, hurt, and embarrassed; after this experience, I went into an almost immediate depression. What made it worse was that every person I shared this experience with was more concerned about reprimanding me, telling me that my dream was not feasible. Instead of simply asking if I was okay, or understanding how I felt. Ironically, the actual experience wasn't the problem anymore. I actually then came to terms with my own mortality and realized that I was really unhappy with my relationships.

I like most people feel the stress of life, and I'm doing my best. I have chosen to use endurance sports as a way to cope. I have a notebook full of dreams that I'm just trying my best to accomplish. I'm constantly faced with the pressure of feeling like I have to hold up a high standard for my life.

Recently, I spent about 5 hours in therapy, opening doors that I have never touched. Trying to figure out how to keep pushing and not become a victim to this experience. Last night for the first time, I watched the video of me struggling underwater and having to be pulled out pretty lifeless. I'm not proud of any of this but I'm releasing it. I sat in it long enough and I'm ready to move forward or at least I'm ready to try. I'm embarrassed, but I'm human. Its time to get up.

So, I apologize, to myself. I love you, self, and you deserve love and care. It's okay, you're here and now you know our life is valuable. A part of me died in that pool, and I'm morning my past self. Who I am right now is questioning everything, and I'm trying to rebuild. I just want to be me authenticity and I really dont care what anyone thinks about that.

*Big ass exhale*

If I can share one more note of transparency, endurance sports is my drug. It began healthy, to get some steam off and deal with my problems. But, by the end of last year... I would have a hard week, drink too much coffee, have racing thoughts, then run for 15 miles in the middle of the night as a way to feel more physical pain than emotional pain. I'm seeking a healthy balance, but it's a journey. This was a wake up call and I needed to regain control. I'm saying this because you have inspired me. Being open and honest about struggles is not easy. Thank you for being strong enough to help me do the same.

- Brian Anthony Furr