God Had Other Plans

"I think the most important thing on this earth is motherhood. I craved it, for as long as I could remember; daydreaming of the perfect mom and how great a big family would be. I swore I wouldn’t be a single mother- not because it's shameful, but because of the struggle. + God had other plans.

The first time, I was attending Undergrad. Me and my boyfriend were devastated with making the choice to abort, and I cried as they sucked my baby out. A piece of me NEVER recovered. I vowed to never let anyone influence me to part with such a precious gift again.

The second time, I was a new graduate of my university. And I was falling for a guy who at the time was everything I needed to distract me from previous heartaches, and kept me on my toes. But I soon learned that he was not what he appeared and presented himself to be. Under a different name and lifestyle, this boy seduced me into thinking he was something he was not. Finally, after numerous calls and texts from various women informing me of things I did not know, I detached from him... but was already pregnant. At that point in my life, I was working two jobs, had a new apartment, and was not afraid. I kept my blessing despite his anger and threats. I experienced pregnancy without the person who got me in the position in the first place. Blessed with exs who give a damn and wonderful friends, I made it through, and delivered my beautiful son with just my mother and close friend. His father showed up after the fact, and after about two weeks, disappeared again.

Filing for child support was the hardest thing I had to do as a new parent. No one wants to force the other party to be a parent. But here I was, needing that support. He wasn't around, never checked on him, never sent anything. Between meeting his family and realizing that they were siding with their toxic son, to sitting in court with a lawyer to solidify visitation for his father to have, I was entirely mentally broken. I swore to never be in this place, especially not in front of my child. That’s when my generalized anxiety disorder worsened, and every second of every day was filled with panic. I was suffocating in this toxic world with the toxic people and this toxic life. I could never understand how someone could be so toxic, so mentally damaged as to hurt a child? To not be there for them? The only shining star was my child.

With motherhood came co-parenting. At this point, his father had missed damn near the whole first year of his life as well as big chunks of my pregnancy. But no one ever talks about the failure of attempted co-parenting. How the other parent doesn't attend doctors appointments, or even calls their child to check in. How the other parent lashes out at you or the child to be vindictive. During the times my child would go see his father for his biweekly visitations, if I ever made him mad, he would not let me see him via Facetime, not answer texts, and my baby and I would suffer. It was hard. He cut his hair when he was months old because he could not get his way. He disrespected me in texts, allowed others to disrespect me. I felt so consumed with anger that sometimes that’s all I could focus on; this life that had no escape.

Something that was a dramatic change for me was hope. I met someone that reminded me that love and family is not over for me because of this unfortunate situation. That love knows the bounds I would go to protect myself and my child through this process. That love heals. And slowly, I began healing too. I fed myself with knowledge, surrounded myself with a good village, and I emerged myself in spirituality. I became a better version of myself emotionally.

I can’t lie and say that sometimes it doesn’t hurt still. Like the most recent arguments about proper care for my child, and his father not being supportive of his diagnosis. And as his mother, leaves me to again fight for what’s best for my child. Or that I don’t feel fleeting moments of depression. I do. But me living for my son has been the changing point for me. It keeps me fighting. As long as I see his smile in the morning, and feel his kisses on my cheek at night, motherhood has been my dream come true.

In closing, my first experience taught me some monumental life lessons, but has also prepared me for * hopefully* more children, more love, and a sense a feeling whole.

- Bianca