I Just Wanted To Be Loved

Let me start off by saying I've been wanting to tell my story for a minute now but I didn't because I cared what people may think of me. As a child I always had low self esteem because I didn’t have what all of my friends had and because I was dark skinned. I didn’t fit in with people. I started taking pills, drinking, and smoking weed. I was a lost young lady giving myself to men that I knew didn’t deserve me. Repeatedly getting my heart broken. I just wanted to be loved. I can remember coming home from school one day and breaking down to my father asking him "why am I ugly, why do I have to be so dark?" I was always different from the people I was around.

May of 2016 is when I really got deep into my addiction. My son's father got killed and I had just found out about my daughter's father cheating. And the woman he was cheating with had their baby at the same time as me. It felt like a car hit me. I honestly never told anyone this: I blamed myself for a lot for a long time. I treated my son's father really badly after he fucked up one time. I couldn’t forgive him and now it's too late. When it came to my daughter's father, God was showing me signs he was no good. My mother even told me.

Because of my addiction, I eventually lost everything. At one point my son didn’t even want to come home. I stayed out there in active addiction for a couple more years. January of 2021 I got tired and told my mother I was ready to get myself together.... at least I THOUGHT I was tired. I started working at a recovery facility called Devine Light and I relapsed at 10 months for about a month. But the thing about recovery is, once you get a taste of NA, you can’t get high the same because that shit will eat you up.

So now I've been clean for almost 7 months again and today I don’t have to make anyone else happy but myself. And as far a man goes, if he can’t love me and only me, he can go about his life because I’m to pretty for the games. I know my worth today. I deserve the world. Somebody asked me the question have I ever tried to kill myself. The answer is yes I did on a daily basis. Can’t nobody make me use; if I use it’s because I want to and today I don’t want to. Thank you for allowing me to tell my story. If you want to judge me, that’s your problem not mine. May God bless you and I hope my story can help someone.

Pasha