I Had To Let Go.

October, today, 2 years ago, my father passed away. Every year since then, during the month of October, my life changes DRASTICALLY! On this day in 2020, I buried my father with one year clean and moved into my new home...alone. I thought I was strong enough to deal with him being gone in that house by myself but my mental health declined rapidly. That following year, in October of 2021, I almost lost my life and had to leave everything I worked hard for. In reality, I was losing it all along because ever since moving into the house, I was taking life for granted. I made the decision to surrender and went back to treatment to get my life together and be back in safe territory. I had to start ALL over…again!

Before, I used to take use all of the lemons life threw at me as an excuse to self-sabotage, and I dragged whoever loved me with me. Now, 2 years later, I have chosen to finally grow up and make my daddy, my family and my REAL closest loved ones PROUD… but most importantly, MYSELF! I had to let go. Let go of my past, let go of my hurt, let go of the lying and manipulation… I had to let my daddy go!!! Today, I stand strong and even though there’s still mourning…I STAND strong in healing and in truth. I’m no longer ashamed, I no longer hold on, I no longer depend on! I am A WOMAN who is making the effort to let go of my toxic behavior. Although I'm not perfect and still have a lot of work on myself to do, I stand stronger on this day with ONE YEAR clean... again. Grateful. I'm using my past and my father’s death as motivation.

I was able to accomplish what I thought would be thee impossible, LIVING. I know my father both in Christ and in blood is smiling heavy, very proud and has me COVERED and I love them both! I’ve been through hell and back, more than what a lot of you don’t know or have not shared but I’m no longer moving in self pity and shame!!! I still got worked to do, this still hurts, grief is still there but damn it, IM FREE!!!! Today marks the 2 year anniversary of you gone but I’m living!!! I love you so much daddy!

Through all the sweat, tears, frustration, NO SLEEP, tantrums, falling and getting back up, all of my hard times , as well as the good times... I finally starting to accomplish positive things in my life. I went back to school, I'm now a licensed CNA, and even got my drivers license. I'm doing things the RIGHT way, like no more driving illegally! I've been building my credit, and I have TWO jobs... legal ones. I am house manager in the same program I couldn’t get right in, and a CNA at The University of Maryland. I receive the keys to my new place next week and this time I believe I am truly ready. I have a TRUE best friend who loves me for me, my mom and son loves me and is proud of me!

I finally feel the love that I've always so selflessly given away. People love me for ME. No-one has ever wanted or loved me. ME?! From losing everything and myself due to trauma, low self-esteem, addiction, and the streets, to... this. Not sure what THIS is but it feels good. I am truly grateful that I didn't let go and give up. This has been a hard road for me. But I am building, I am unbreakable, and I know I can't do it alone. We are all trying to survive out here and nothing is easy. I'm joining the movement. We have stories of struggle and victories to tell. And that's on Sober, Period.

- Onestie