A Message to the Men: It's ok to NOT be ok.

2019:

7 years ago my mom lost her battle with cancer and it completely broke my heart. She was my bestfriend, my twin, my everything. I wasn’t prepared for her death so it broke me down. I would go to work, go out with my friends, laugh, joke and carry on a normal life... but inside I was broken, hurt, upset, suicidal, grieving... basically I was depressed but I didn’t know it. And being a black man, I was told to never show my emotions because it’s a sign of weakness and I was looked upon by my friends as the “strong” friend. To them, nothing ever bothered me. I was always there for them in their times of need but in all reality I was really weak and hurting.

This went on for 6 years and I just ignored it and kept going about my daily routine until eventually all the things I was suppressing started to slowly seep out. I was angry, always on edge, snapping at people, just being an evil person. The boiling point was when I wanted to fight one of my friends because of jokes. All I saw was red, I was ready to snap his head off but the other people there calmed the situation down. But I was still angry and wanted to fight whoever.

One of my friends called me to check on me and told me maybe I should think about going to see a therapist and my reply was I’m not going to see a therapist, therapist are for crazy people. They left the situation alone but they started to send me prayers and continued checking on me and finally I broke down and told them how I was really feeling. I told them I didn’t wanna look weak in front of anyone, but they told me it takes a strong person to acknowledge their problems and get help.

After a month of back and forth thinking, I finally looked into getting some help and went to see a therapist. 10 mins into my session she told me I was depressed and that we need to find a way to not let it take control of me and engulf me in it. So to all the people dealing with depression, it’s ok. There's nothing wrong with you, you just have to find ways to cope with it and don’t let it take control of you. To this day I still deal with depression and still have my days that are worse then others, but instead of me hiding it, I fight it and make sure that it doesn’t take over. If I can do it, so can you."

2022:

The past few years have been a lot to handle, to say the least. I’ve had to deal with the death of both of my grandparents, within less than a year. My grandfather unexpectedly passed Aug 2, 2019 and my grandmother passed April 18th 2020 two days after my birthday. I’ve also had to deal with my mom’s 10 year death anniversary Oct 11, 2021. To say it’s been hard would be an understatement. I’ve dealt with so many different emotions in the past decade, I can’t even describe them. People always say I’m the strongest person they know but being strong does take a toll on me mentally and physically. It’s not easy getting up everyday with a broken heart and a grieving spirit and trying to function like nothing is bothering me.

I’ve experienced severe depression and I want to address handling emotions as a man dealing with depression. As I mentioned, I lost my mom 10 years ago and for 8 of those years, I never told anybody how I really felt because I didn’t want to be perceived as weak. Anytime someone would ask me how I was doing, I would say I was ok. But the truth was I was on the verge of tears and breaking down. I was raised being taught that as a man you never show any emotions and to take everything on the chin. So I was a ticking time bomb walking around because I didn’t want anybody to know that i was suffering. I think that was the biggest mistake I made in my battle against depression and anxiety. I want any man reading this to know that it's ok to go to therapy. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to ask for help. I know it’s a hard thing to be vulnerable and to show what you perceive as a weakness. But in all actuality, the strongest thing you can do is admit that you are hurting and need help.

I'm not saying it’s going to be an easy thing to accept because it took me 8 years to realize I needed some help and I still sometimes struggle to admit that I’m not ok. But as my therapist told me, it’s ok to not be ok fellas. I don’t feel bad about having bad days anymore because it’s ok to not be ok. The only person I OWE grace to is myself.

For those who can relate, I would suggest therapy. It’s not easy opening up and letting somebody dissect you and break you down to build you back up. Healing isn’t easy and it’s going to hurt but eventually that pain will turn to peace.

Troy